


On the lookout for happiness

by moonlight_nina



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Eiji Okumura, Ash Lynx Lives, Ash's gang - Freeform, Eventual Happy Ending, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, References to Depression, Shorter Wong Lives, Writer Ash Lynx
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:14:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25133731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlight_nina/pseuds/moonlight_nina
Summary: If anyone had said that Ash’s life would turn out like this, he would have laughed. Or told that person to shut up. Or punched them. Either way, he wouldn't have believed them.To the world, Ash Lynx is dead. To the world, Aslan Jade Callenreese is a promising author.It took him years to achieve peace but one evening can disturb his hard fought for life.Eiji Okumura is an artist whose soul is fragile.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 20
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Please be aware that this work contains mentions of mental illness, the tags will be updated with each chapter if necessary. 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are highly appreciated!

If anyone had said that Ash’s life would turn out like this, he would have laughed. Or told that person to shut up. Or punched them. 

Either way, he would not have believed them. 

Here he was though, preparing for another social event to celebrate the release of his newly published novel. With this one being only his third release, Ash was slowly climbing the leader of recognised writers. However, not many referred to him as Ash anymore. Only a few acquaintances like Shorter Wong, Sing Soo-Ling, his former gang members as well as Max and his family were calling him Ash. 

To the rest of the world, Ash Lynx has been dead. The young and promising author, Aslan Jade Callenreese, was the one who caught people’s attention with his intriguing and, at the same time, provoking stories. 

The volume of poetry was Ash’s first published work, in a way it was a collection of the man’s thoughts. Perhaps due to its complexity, it did not get either positive or negative feedback. Common people would say it was okay. 

The change came with his second work. The novel published two years ago became an instant hit, quickly climbing the charts and soon becoming Ash’s very first bestseller. The book was loved by many, people threw themselves into the fantasy of underground New York filled with gangs, violence and illegal drugs. Again, only a few could notice the references to the story of the legendary Lynx, the young New York gang leader. To those unaware of reality, Callenreese’s novel was a breathtaking and evocative story.

Despite the success, many have risen their voices against the book as the story portrayed the underground world of New York in a completely different perspective, opposite to that reported by authorities. While reading the novel, many sympathized for the protagonists and their companions. Instead of ruthless gangsters, monsters or criminals, people were presented with characters that were abandoned by society when they were mere children. The story did not find faults within the protagonists but within the system. The system that left them all alone, without care, to fight for survival, only to later label them as criminals or troubled youth when they got older. 

The readers started questioning whether in real life the authorities did all they could to support their citizens. Questions arose regarding the underground world and the reason for the number of youths in juvenile detention centres. By any chance, were those people left to care for themselves with no family or relatives that could help them? 

In what per cent was Callenreese’s book based on reality? How much of it was fiction? 

No one knew and no one would probably get an answer as the author was refusing to participate in any kinds of interviews. 

Callenreese’s latest release, his third work, even before its publication, managed to get the attention. People were looking forward to reading this new piece, wondering what kind of incredible story will be presented to them. 

Ash himself was not overly excited to participate in the release party his publisher has organised. Throughout the years, Ash has put enormous effort to work through his trauma. He got better with the help of his psychologist and friends. The psychologist also was the one who advised Ash to start keeping a journal where he could note down his thoughts and feelings. 

That is how his first poetry book was created. It was a rather healing experience, one that allowed Ash to learn about himself and how to express his thoughts and feelings. Thus, wanting to continue this journey, Ash agreed to work with Max as a writer with Max being his editor. 

After everything that went down with Dino, Lobbo decided to forego his journalism career for the sake of his family. Getting more stable employment was necessary at that time, thus when he heard about Ash attempts at writing, he immediately suggested that the younger man joins him. 

That is how the two made it to the celebratory party, however, some things still need to be explained, mainly: how did we even end up here in the first place? 

Seven years ago, Ash Lynx was stabbed by Lao and thought his life was over. Surprisingly, it was not as someone noticed the pool of blood underneath the chair he occupied in the library and called an ambulance. Taken to the hospital and treated, Ash was visited by Sing who, after scolding Ash for his recklessness and stupidity, gave him a letter written by Eiji. The letter that expressed the other’s feelings towards the blond. 

The young leader did not have much time to process the significance of the other’s words as he was swarmed by the officials. 

The officials who came up with a proposal. With Dino being dead, they needed a witness, or rather a whistleblower, to help them uncover and destroy the crime empire built by Golzine. In return for Ash’s testimony, he would be given a chance to clear his name and live as Aslan Jade Callenreese. All his crimes and the crime-related connections would be forgotten. Using the opportunity, Ash proposed his ultimatum stating that all his acquaintances would be given another chance at normal lives, with no criminal records or any traces. They would have to be left alone and treated as regular citizens.

Not without trouble, the conditions have been fulfiled and Ash’s testimony has helped greatly in capturing as well as destroying the mafia empire. 

As a result, seven years later, Ash and his closed ones can go out without fear and engage in activities they would have never thought would be possible. 

Activities such as the upcoming party to which Ash was not looking forward to. However, with a promise of his friends being there, Aslan reluctantly put on his brand new, fitted suit - courtesy of Max - and with the last look at his reflection and after gathering the essentials such as his phone and the apartment keys, Ash was on his way. 

The event was taking place at a rented ball hall, what for Ash made no sense to make such a big deal out of a book that has not yet achieved anything aside from rumours. Entering the hall, Ash was instantly attacked by the extravagance of the decore. Huge chandeliers were hanging from the ceiling shining brightly, the walls were covered in little, golden ornaments. Two rows of columns, one on each side of the hall, embellished the room, making it feel as if one was stepping into a king’s palace. 

Ash’s gaze swept through the room in search of any familiar faces. It didn’t take him long to locate his best friend Shorter - his mohawk standing out from the crowd - surrounded by the rest of his friends and acquaintances. Quickly manoeuvering through the crowd, Ash reached the group and let out a sigh. 

“You’ve just come and I can already tell you want to leave,” said Shorter with a grin on his face. “Here, have some champagne”. 

“I don’t get why I have to suffer through this. It’s not like I won any prestigious award or shit,” with a little nod, Ash accepted the glass and took a small sip. 

“Be glad they’re not expecting you to give a speech” came a voice behind him, surprising the writer a bit. Back in the day, Ash would have never allowed anyone this near him, he would have never had his guard down like this but after years of therapy and hard work, he no longer lived on the edge. He no longer observed shadows for any sign of a threat. 

But the voice belonged to someone who could be considered family and most probably was, but Ash would never admit it out loud. Nadia didn’t change much throughout the years, she still had this ‘tough lady’ aura around her. 

“Speech? They should be happy I wrote the book, if it wasn’t for Max’s whining, I wouldn’t even be here.” Several chuckles escaped from the group as a reply. 

“Well, Eiji had to say a few words so I’m sure they’d have expected an excellent and thrilling speech from someone who’s a professional writer. Luckily for you, that seems like not the case.” A pregnant silence followed. All heads turned towards Nadia who only now seemed to realise what she’s said. 

“Did you just say  _ Eiji _ , Nadia?” 

Ash muted all the surrounding him sounds, focusing solely on the woman standing in front of him. The name of his friend, or maybe not friend, maybe the boy was Ash’s most precious person, his whole world, who he has not seen in years made his mind run a thousand miles per hour. Thousands of thoughts, as well as memories, flooded him instantly. The imagines of big, sparkling, doe-like eyes and a huge, comforting smile appeared suddenly in front of him. As if  _ he _ was truly here. But he wasn’t. And Ash had no idea where  _ he _ was because his stubborn self has made it very clear to everyone that Eiji was a taboo subject, thus no one never mentioned anything about the Japanese. Ash was almost certain that none of the people close to him kept in touch with Eiji, as per Ash’s wish, Eiji was completely erased from New York. 

Or so has Ash thought. 

“Nadia, what do you mean by Eiji saying a few words?” Aslan asked again, he had to know. He  _ had to  _ know. 

Nadia, to her credit, looked highly uncomfortable. 

“I came across an article a few days ago, it was about a new exhibition being held at the New York Art Gallery,” Nadia, to her credit, looked highly uncomfortable under the piercing jade green eyes but continued knowing that Ash wasn’t going to drop the subject anytime soon. “I thought it may be nice to check it out since it was heavily prized and the artist seemed to be someone widely recognised and respected. So I kept on reading it and that’s when the name was mentioned.” 

_ Art exhibition? Wildly recognised artist?  _ Ash’s mind couldn’t stop for a second, all this new information was doing things to his brain, things that his exceptionally high IQ couldn’t handle. 

_ The exhibition was held in New York, Nadia mentioned that Eiji had to do a speech so…  _

Without saying anything, Ash bolted to the exit. He vaguely could hear people screaming at him, probably asking where the hell he was going but Ash didn’t care. He didn’t care because his mind was occupied with one, simple question. 

_ Is he in New York?  _

* * *

The whole journey back to his apartment was a blur. Honestly, it was a wonder how he managed to grab a cap, give the driver the directions and get inside his flat but he did it. Now in the silence, Ash sat down on the couch, placed his elbows on his knees and analysed what he learnt today. 

It was highly possible that Eiji was in New York. And if he was, did he know about Ash? Did he know about him being a writer? 

Hell, did he know that Ash was alive? 

For the first time in a while, Ash felt this paralysing fear. If Eiji knew that Ash was alright, how did he feel? Did he feel betrayed? Hurt? 

Probably. 

Probably, he also hated Ash’s guts. 

The thought of Eiji hating Ash made him sick in the stomach, he could feel his lunch rising up to his throat. 

It was Ash’s fault. He wanted to protect Eiji, thought that cutting himself from Eiji’s life would ensure his safety and happiness. So he avoided anything and everything that could be related to the Japanese. He knew that his friends had no idea what was happening with Eiji. If he had any doubts before, their shocked expressions today could serve as evidence that they too, cut all ties with the photographer. 

It was quite saddening really, Ash knew that Eiji found friends here in New York, people he also cherished so forbidding him of any kind of contact with them was brutal. But it was something that had to be done. 

Feeling a surge of confidence going through him, Ash reached to the pocket of his suit and took out his phone. Opening the search engine, he thought for a while what he should type in but decided to start his search with the article previously mentioned by Nadia. After typing in  _ eiji okumura new york _ , he looked through the results. Clicking on one of the links that seemed to be the one he started reading. 

**NEW YORK TIMES**

**‘UNTITLED’ new, groundbreaking exhibition reaches New York**

New York Art Gallery is hosting another spectacular exhibition, one which the whole art world has been looking forward to. 

The ‘Untitled’, as it is called, is a collection of art pieces painted by an already widely renowned artist, Eiji Okumura (26). The artist himself refuses to partake in interviews but was present at the opening night. 

“It’s a great honour to be able to present to the world my new work (...). I want everyone to come to their own conclusions, to discover their own emotions when looking at the painting, thus, I will not disclose my own feelings or motives,” said Okumura during his speech. 

‘Untitled’ was nearly instantly critically acclaimed with several describing the artwork as “incredibly thought-provoking”, “emotionally eliciting”, with some saying that the exhibit “leaves you with inner turmoil, one that is hard to escape from”. 

If you are not afraid to get out of your comfort zone, if you have no fear to ask questions and be vulnerable, this exhibit is something you have to see. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But doing your best is not going to work when you’re not enough.
> 
> What happened to Eiji after leaving New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> This part is simply a look at Eiji's situation and his journey. I'm not going to lie, this may hit you hard so please check the tags!

From a stranger’s perspective, Eiji’s life would appear as collected and rather successful. Former athlete turned into this incredible artist whose story, if given out to the public, would make a really well-selling Hollywood movie. 

From Eiji’s perspective, his life was far from that. If anyone asked, he’d say his life is a comedy. Someone would have certainly laughed at him and his pathetic existence. 

After returning to Japan, with a hole in his body, the young man still had hope, strength to fight and push forward. All of that, however, has been taken from him abruptly. He really should have gotten used to that. He messed up his leg, so it was obvious he’ll mess his life even more, right? Yet, this time he didn’t just mess his own life, no. This time he has taken with him his precious person, his Ash. 

He should’ve known better. Telling Ash the deepest secrets of his soul was a mistake, a mistake that cost the other his life. The highest price has been paid because Eiji, in his stupidity, thought it would be a great idea to tell Ash he loved him. In a letter. 

This cursed letter. 

This letter was the beginning of the end. Or maybe it wasn’t, but it was easier to blame his state on a piece of paper. 

Then the blame has shifted to others but when the number of people has been rising steadily, Eiji came to the conclusion that it was his fault. The blame for everything was on him. 

* * *

Sipping on his red wine and playing with a strand of his waist-long hair, Eiji looked out towards the ocean and reminisced. There was nothing left of this person who came to the US for the first time. Back then, although his hope for a new beginning wasn’t particularly strong, he still had it. Now, he was a shell. Like one of those washed up by the waves. The only exception between the two was that those from the ocean were pretty and Eiji was not. 

Eiji knew he had problems. It was something he learnt back in Japan, before this whole banana fish fiasco. His doctor gave him a small bottle of pills - “one in the morning, one at night”, he said. They were supposed to help him to… he didn’t know what they were for. Have they noticed that pole vaulting was the only thing he could do? Have they noticed he was investing in it everything he had, every tear, every fibre of his body? 

Have they noticed that he only lived to jump over this damn bar? 

Have they noticed he only did it to satisfy them all? His family, ‘friends’, coach, society… 

The list of people he needed to make happy was so long. 

And his own name was never on this list. 

Funny. 

The list only got longer when he got to New York. Ash, Shorter, the gangs, Nadia, Charlie, Max, Ibe-san… 

_ Ibe-san… how long has it been since we talked?  _

Eiji still remembers their last conversation, though it’s hard to call it as such. He lashed out on the older man and then cut all contact with him. But it was Ibe’s fault. Eiji could not hold his emotions, there were so many of them crushing him, ripping apart from the inside. Never has he felt so betrayed, so hurt by a person he trusted so much, someone who was like a father to him.

Maybe that was the problem. Ibe wanted to protect him, Ash wanted to protect him, Shorter and Sing and everyone else. All of them treated Eiji like a cute, cueless doll made of glass, one that needed to be hidden from the world because as much as a speck of dust could harm him. It annoyed him but he tried to understand, but he couldn’t understand Ibe’s actions. No, not only Ibe’s, he couldn’t understand any of them. 

At the beginning that is. 

Later, he understood. It was pretty obvious really. He was a burden, a dead weight, someone annoying, someone invisible, a failure, something to discard. They all had their fun, toying with him for five minutes only to throw him out of their lives when they got bored. 

Eiji understood. If he could, he wouldn’t be spending time with himself either, he’d shove himself into the deepest corners of a trash can if he could. They were able to free themselves from him, of course, they used the chance they had. 

Yet, Eiji still was hurting. He confided in Ibe, told him how he felt about Ash, told him that it was all his fault. The older man was there for him, seemingly offering him a shoulder to cry on, only to stab him in the back. 

The accidentally found letter was the end of his world. Yes, he thought Ash’s death was the end but honestly, wouldn’t your world break after finding out that you grieved someone who was actually alive and well? Someone who moved on with their life without you? 

Wouldn’t your world fall apart after learning that the person who you gave your everything to, your soul, your tears, your heart, your trust, was completely disregarding that? There wasn’t a part of Eiji that he didn’t give up for Ash. Ash has taken everything and more, and… 

And forgot? As if Eiji’s sacrifice wasn't worth anything. 

But was it really worthy? No. Eiji knows it now, he’s worthless. His naivety made him think he was doing so much by being selfless, he thought he was doing his best. 

But doing your best is not going to work when you’re not enough. 

The letter he found stashed away in Ibe’s studio, probably hidden from Eiji, was enough of a confirmation that he didn’t matter to anyone. It hurt to read how everyone was alright, how Ash has managed to survive, how he saved his gang and how they all were trying to figure their normal lives out. He knew Ash would never love him, his Ash deserved better than a waste of space like Eiji. The blond surely entertained Eiji only because he pitied him. Or maybe he felt like taking care of Eiji was his responsibility? An obligation? It’s clear that Eiji basically gave Ash no choice but to deal with him. How cruel of Eiji, how selfish.

At the time of discovering the letter, there were so many conflicting emotions swirling in him, Eiji couldn’t control himself, so Ibe got the worst of his outbreak. Truthfully, Eiji doesn’t even remember what he said, all he knows is that he surely hurt the other, but Ibe deserved it. He shouldn’t have kept the letter to himself. 

Nevertheless, that was the day Eiji just stopped caring. What was the point? He couldn’t take pictures when he thought Ash was dead, after learning that he was alive, the pictures from New York were almost mocking him. His camera as well. He no longer saw photography as something interesting, rather it became a visualisation of all his failures. 

Despite the strong desire to throw the camera and the pictures away, maybe even burn them, he decided against it. Instead, they were all put in a box and left in storage, in a far corner so he wouldn’t have to look at them ever again. 

Just like that, being a photographer was no longer an option, yet applying for a job at a corporation was beyond Eiji’s capabilities. Besides, getting a job would actually require him to interact with people and that was the last thing he wanted. So trusting in his artistic abilities, he picked up a brush and painted. Soon he found that art was a great outlet to unleash his emotions, it was almost therapeutic, the way he could just paint his feelings and leave them there. Sometimes he could make sense of them, sometimes he just left them as they were, a complicated mess of colours and shadows. 

It was pure luck that his work has been noticed. Eiji still doesn’t exactly know how it happened but somehow he made it. His works have been displayed in a gallery in Tokyo and, surprisingly, gathered quite an audience. It started slow, one or two articles in the local press. Then several critics started posting their reviews of nothing but praise for the display, naming his art as groundbreaking, one of a kind, and him as a discovery of the world of art. 

In an instant, he hit it big. Media wanted to interview him, have him decipher his works from “Garden of Light”, his social media platforms, previously dead, suddenly resurrected and were blown with notifications. Unexpectedly, in a short amount of time, Eiji became someone worth attention, someone who everyone wanted to listen to, an “art genius” whose works resonated with people.

His sudden fame was overwhelming and frankly, Eiji wasn’t coping well. He felt trapped even in his own apartment. Each shadow started resembling a photo reporter with a gigantic camera or a journalist with a microphone that is ready to shove the device down his throat. 

His state was slowly worsening, he was constantly on edge, stopped leaving his apartment - not that he was doing that often before but at least back then he wasn’t afraid of being assaulted in a pasta alley in a shop.

He desperately wanted out but didn’t know how he could possibly leave the country. Should he just go into the woods, live in a cave or something like that? 

Pondering on his options forced him to turn on his phone, he was in the middle of swiping the notifications when one message caught his attention. It was rather simple, short and significantly different from the others.

_ Hello,  _

_ I am aware that sending you this message violates your privacy but I had to give it a try. My name is Paul Milton and I work for AMP - Art Management and Protection Company. It’s pretty straightforward really, we help artists show the world their works and ensure that they hyenas from the press don’t bother them too much. _

_ We would like to offer our services to you, please if you’re interested, send me a list of your demands, I’ll see what we can do and then reach back to you.  _

_ All the best, _

_ Paul Milton.  _

If his situation was any different, Eiji would probably ignore this message, but he was tired. He was so  _ so  _ tired and what this man's offer was really what Eiji wanted. He wanted to be free from those obtrusive people gone. 

A quick google search told him that the company headquarters were located in the US and it looked like they were doing their jobs well. A few articles with nasty headlines about the company blocking the media’s access to artists since _“our artist does not wish to participate in any public events, please respect their decision”_ was enough for Eiji to sent a message to this Paul person. 

**Eiji:** _ I want to be left alone, let me work in peace, away from the camera lenses, journalists and all of this chaos. Could it be possible to get me out of Japan? Soon?  _

**Paul Milton:** _ Thank you for reaching out, I can tell you’re in a pretty tight spot so let me ask you one thing. Is a place with a view on the ocean, a little garden, a pool and a private beach up to your tastes? _

A pool? Private beach? This sounded more like a villa which was way above what Eiji could afford. He informed Paul of that, yet the man replied with a “ _ don’t worry, you just focus on your work, we take care of the rest” _ . 

And so, Eiji left Japan and moved back to the US, but to Osterville, Massachusetts this time. In his new place, no one bothered him, he was alone, left with his thoughts and demons. He could tirelessly move the brush to engrave his existence on the canvas. 

Because there was nothing else left for him to be and do. 

The only way for him to exist was to paint, he wasn’t living, not really. He only prolonged the inevitable. 

So Eiji has poured his everything once again, this time into an art collection, one last time.

One last time he opened his soul for everyone to see, let them be witnesses of the pain, the darkness that is Eiji’s mind. 

He knew how he wanted the display to look like, the pieces have all been selected and named. Or rather than giving them names, Eiji has assigned symbols to each of them. Titles were giving away too much information, they could sway the recipients of his work which wasn't desired. Paul, his manager, found the idea a bit odd, but haven't questioned him. The two had good chemistry, Paul was respectful of him and never pried too much. 

"So what's the title?", asked Paul over the phone, "Please, tell me you've got an actual title, I can't tell them your collection is a question mark or whatever another symbol you came up with." 

"Oh, don't worry, Paul. I've got you", replied Eiji while playing with a strand of his hair. 

"And what is it? C'mon, don't leave me in the dark!", a little laugh escaped from the Japanese's mouth. His work partner could be really impatient sometimes. But Eiji was merciful, he took a deep breath and felt a smirk slowly gracing his lips. 

"I called it _Untitled."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me this long to write the next part. This work is quite heavy, it's not an easy thing to write and I needed to be in the right headspace. As you can see, Eiji's mental health is in shambles and as a writer, I can sometimes get affected by this negativity that I "give" to the characters.
> 
> If you're struggling, please reach out to someone. You do not have to suffer, you are amazing, you are loved and cherished. Take care of yourselves!
> 
> In the next part, we will finally (hopefully) finish this journey! And yes, I promised a happy ending so it's gonna be a happy ending. As always, please leave kudos and comments, I'd love to hear your opinions on this piece. 
> 
> See you next time!
> 
> PS. Here's what I imagine to be Eiji's new home [click](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/47-Sea-View-Ave-Osterville-MA-02655/55855408_zpid/)

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments and kudos to motivate me! 
> 
> Additionally, you can support me here on [kofi](https://ko-fi.com/moonlight_nina)


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